Monday, June 26, 2017

Why We Need a Zombie Apocalypse to Make America Great Again

If the Trump phenomenon is truly the product of hyper-partisanship, then what is needed to cure the US of this dreadful binary disease, is a more bad-ass binary disease. I am talking about a non-discriminating, politics-agnostic, pandemic-creating, world-ending, deadly virus that will equally turn your next-door Trump-sign-in-the-yard, garden variety Republican and your across the street liberal, Hillary-bumper-sticker-on-the-Prius, Democrat, into flesh-craving eating and killing machines. In laymen’s terms, the cure for hyper-partisanship is a full-fledged, good old all-American zombie apocalypse.
I am not referring to the slow as molasses and aimlessly wandering munchers of Walking Dead fame nor the crack crazy super jumpers of World War Z, but instead to the original brain tissue preferring ghouls of the classic Return of the Living Dead. Brains, or the lack thereof is what got us into this hyper-partisan mess to begin with.
Everyone knows that all zombie movies are based on the same predictable formula – those whose brains remain relatively intact defend themselves from those whose brains have been whittled down by the virus to its base reptilian form. In a zombie apocalypse where the black and white of society is no longer based on political views, income level, or access to health insurance but instead on whose cranium is filled with healthy brain tissue and whose liquified remains are steadily jiggling out of their ears like Jell-O, only then will hyper-partisanship disappear.
All zombie movies also have the same predictable ending where those who can still think with their whole brain ultimately prevail over the zombie hordes. Why? Because zombie movies demand happy endings? No, it is because those who can exercise more than their brain stem quickly realize that the key to their survival is to put all differences aside and to work together towards a common goal – the survival of the human species.
It is this we-are-all-in-this-shit together attitude that leads survivors to the creative solutions needed to obliterate the literally primitive single-minded but terrifying brain cravers. In other words, the only time we are going to start seeing ourselves, every one of us, as Americans again and not as Republicans or Democrats is for the shit to hit the apocalyptic fan when dire circumstances force us to forget the pettiness of politics and instead focus on what is needed for this country to survive, whether that is due to a zombie army uprising or outside interference by a foreign country. 
These are the top five reasons why a zombie apocalypse is needed to put the “US” back into the US of A:
1.      In a zombie apocalypse, there are no alternative facts, there are only the living and the undead, and if you don’t want to join the brain munchers, then you best grab hold of all the irrefutable facts you can remember. You know, the oldies but goodies like only drink uncontaminated water, boiling if necessary, or keep a wound clean to avoid losing a limb when the antibiotics have long run out. In fact, staying healthy in a world where modern medicine no longer exists is directly proportional to your odds of survival. Bonus to your survival clan if you count a medical doctor amongst your ranks – and I don’t believe you will care if they got their degree at Harvard Medical or at the University of Puerto Rico.
2.      In a zombie apocalypse, you also won’t care which side of the border your fellow survivors were born on; you won’t give a shit if they pull out their prayer rugs to pray five times a day and you won’t give a rat’s ass if they don’t sunburn as quickly as you do. In a zombie survival scenario, the only real capital is human capital and the larger the able-bodied group, the greater the chance for survival.
3.      In a zombie apocalypse, manual labor will be the resume of choice. Meanwhile. bankers, lobbyists, brokers and politicians will have to wait a few generations before their career choices open up again. Speaking of which, when it comes to survival and picking who will join my ideal survivor clan, I will take a dozen illegal Mexican manual laborers over a dozen white collared, nicely manicured but zero calloused handed, metro sexual young professionals, any day. Wouldn’t you rather be around those in society who are already used to performing the menial tasks which will be super important in a survival scenario? Not to mention, illegals already have a survivor mentality honed by a lifetime of hardship and more importantly they exude the optimistic view that the US is still a land of opportunity, even if that means ridding it of zombies first.
4.      Surviving a zombie apocalypse not only boils down to pulling together the right team with the right immediate skillsets but also including those who will contribute to creating a brighter future. Your survival clan will need educators who can teach the young ones the skills they need to rebuild, home care professionals to take care of the elderly whose wisdom will be treasured in a world with no iPhones or Internet, cooks who will make scarce food items edible and those with law enforcement and military skills who can protect and defend.
5.      Finally, the top reason we need a zombie apocalypse is to show the world once again what truly makes America great – during times of great peril, we come together as one people and forget about our differences as we focus on what truly matters, the preservation of our Republic. It is that same amazing spirit the world saw a brief glimpse of on September 11, 2001 when we pulled together at a time of great need. During World War 2 America showed its greatness not in empty words but in blood spilling actions when that greatest generation bravely faced an unprecedented evil. We didn’t shy away from the fight or isolate ourselves across oceans, we jumped into the fray knowing that the zombie hoardes would one day reach our shores as well.
Hyper-partisanship is a disease and the only cure for the masses fallen victims to its allure is a brain wasting zombie virus as nothing else seems capable of resetting a brain suspended in hyper-partisan animation. The uninfected will either form cooperative bonds with their fellow survivors regardless of race, creed, religion and color or will make the egocentric and ultimately fatal mistake of going it alone that will only serve to join themselves to the ranks of the undead. In the end, the virus will be eradicated and a new generation of humans will rebuild from the ashes, this time hopefully with a more congenial and re-found appreciation for the ethos of working towards the common good and embracing the common goals that all Americans should share – the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.
So, my fellow Republicans and Democrats, there is only one way to truly Make America Great Again and you’re really not going to like it. It involves existential threat to your family, your community and your country. Hyper-partisanship is the primary obstacle to America greatness and needs to be eradicated if our Republic is not only to survive but to shine once again as a beacon of hope for the World. As a wise and observant Irishman once said, “Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing…after they have exhausted all other possibilities”. The same cannot be said about Democrats or Republicans.